A Letter to my Princess

Those tiny little feet and those tiny little hands, I was so cautious and worried to hold you. I feared I might hurt you, or maybe fail to support your feeble neck the way it needs to be. After all you are just minutes old. You my little princess walks into our life. No one could ever describe how it feels for a father, why is it so that a mother's love is somehow always expressed the way it should and a father's love is just limited to the customary greetings and congratulations. I wanted someone to ask me how I feel,how I really feel holding her in my arms and how I can express profuse love for my little princess. Maybe one day when you would be old enough to understand I would tell you. I would pour out my heart to you.

Actually I am happy that no one asked me of how I felt, else they would have noticed my teary eyes and found me at a loss of word. I walked out handing you to your mom, there are formalities to be dealt with and a group of relatives that I need to attend to. I did not want to leave but I hope you understand. I will be there back again with you in no time, nothing in this world can keep me away from you.

I walked out and met your uncles and aunts, you would grow older and get to know them. I know you would love most of them but not your uncle Rajiv. Atleast I don't like him. No no there is nothing wrong with him, he is a lovable guy but he snuggles kids and give them bear hugs and I don't want him to do that to you.What if he snuggled you way too hard, you might get hurt. I will keep an eye on him. Met all the doctors and the team that helped in bringing you to this world. There is a degree of demur in their body language and behavior, how can they not be happy?Dr. Rachit wanted to have a word with me and then I realized that they are simply being professional.

I walked on to his cabin and he seemed a lot more serious and worried. He blurted out " We have an ALTE on our hands Mr. Singh, Your daughter is weak and we have observed that she is suffering from APNEA". I still do not understand all these medical terms but all I came to know was that you had a breathing issue and it is life threatening. I refused to believe that assessment and wanted them to re-evaluate your condition.

You have now been shifted to an Incubator and I am watching you through a layer of glass, I can not touch you now. I never wanted your mom in the room with you, she could never see her two day old daughter with all those pipes going in her and all those little needles inside you. We can not risk you crying at any moment,that is what has been told to us they have been trying to do whatever they can to save you.

But it happened, You cried! And the world came crashing down on me. That was the only time I heard you, the first and last time I heard my baby! And you were gone. Those sunshine looking little fingers are not moving anymore, everyone is silent.I am still scared to hold you, I might hurt you, may not support your feeble neck like it should be. This can not be happening. This simply can not.

I know you are with the almighty now, can you ask was this his will?His supposed master plan? Was this what he wanted?Why he did this to you? I am sorry my princess I can not save you, but I loved you like I have loved no one in those couple of days I had with you. Was it my fault, something that I did & that is why you had to leave us. Can he not send you back to us, I would do anything to get you in my arms again. Can you plead to him on my behalf?

All I want you to know is that your dad loved you like he has never loved anyone and anything in his life, he would give his life in exchange of yours. Me & your mother miss you. She is not alright without you. I am trying, trying to be the PAPA you would have wanted me to be like. I am ready now, I am not scared to hold you anymore. I have learned how to support your neck- only if you can come back to me. And I promise You will always be my Princess- Aahna.

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